People love to make fun of lawyers. It’s either they love us so much or they despise us to the bone. No matter what the reason may be, the fact is there are hundreds of lawyer jokes being told. I tried to remember all the jokes I have heard. I even dug up old emails and text messages. Then, I listed here ten of the funniest ones (at least for me). I then realized that the reason I find these jokes so funny is most of them are true. Sometimes, these jokes accurately describes what lawyers do and how we think.
The Long Running Civil Case
A man just graduated from law school and passed the bar. He immediately joined his father’s law office as a Junior Associate. Upon reviewing the cases handled by his old man, he noticed that one case had taken up most of the filing cabinets. He found out that this case had been pending for more than twenty-five years now. Wanting to impress his father, he studied the case and formulated his own legal theory. Without telling his old man, he filed several pleadings, attended the scheduled hearings and finally submitted the case for decision. One day, he received notice that, thru his efforts, they won. The case that had been pending for more than 25 years was finally dismissed. Elated, he brought the good news to his father. Surprisingly, his father was furious.
Son: “Dad, I don’t understand why you are so mad. I was able to win a case you couldn’t finish for more than twenty-five years.”
Father: “Son. Why do you think that case had been dragging on for so long? That case paid for your pre-school, primary, high school, college and law school education. Now where will I get money to pay for your brothers’ and sister’ college education?”
*Courtesy of Atty. Frank Chavez
Client: “Attorney, how much do you charge for consultation?”
Lawyer: “Five thousand pesos per question.”
Client: “Don’t you think that’s too expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, I do. What’s your third question?”
Lawyers in Heaven
A priest died. At the crossroads between heaven and hell, he found himself being judged. Beside him was a lawyer.
God: “Come forward, Mr. Lawyer.”
And the lawyer came forward to face God.
God: “You shall move on to heaven.”
The priest was elated. If a lawyer could get into heaven, then he knew he could easily get in as well.
God: “Come forward Mr. Priest.”
And the Priest came forward to face God.
Priest: “You shall go to hell.”
The priest was shocked.
Priest: “But God, you let a lawyer go to heaven. I am a priest. I have lived my life in your service.”
God: “I am sorry, my son. Heaven is already full of priests. But since no lawyer had entered heaven for a very, very, very long time, we are in great need of one.”
*I actually heard this joke from a priest, told during a sermon.
The Devil’s Deal
The Devil: Mr. Lawyer, I will give you all your heart’s desire. You will become rich and famous and girls will be literally lining up at your doorsteps. All you have to do is to give me your soul.
Lawyer: Hmmm… What’s the catch?
Lawyer: “Where were you last February 1, at 11 in the evening?”
Interpreter: “Nasaan ka noong ika-isa ng Perbrero, alas onse ng gabi?”
Witness: “I was walking home from work.”
Interpreter: “Naglalakad ako pauwi galing sa trabaho.”
Lawyer: “WHO STOPPED YOU!!!”
Interpreter: “SINO SI TAPYO!!!”
*Courtesy of Atty. Raymond Viray (he claims that this is a true story from a real-life cross-examination he witnessed in court)
What Lawyer’s Do
A little boy knows that his father is a lawyer. However, he does not really know what lawyers do. After his father explains it to his son, the bright little boy immediately understood his father’s line of work.
Son: “So what you’re saying dad is that when a person has a problem, they call a lawyer like you to fix the problem. If you fix it, they pay you a lot of money. But if you don’t fix it, they also pay you a lot of money.”
Father: “That about sums it up.”
A Well-Argued Court Case
One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, “I’d give $250 to spend the night with that woman.”
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, “I’ll take you up on that offer.”
After bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, “If you don’t give me the other $125, I’ll sue you for it”. He laughed, saying “I’d like to see you get it on these grounds.”
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, “She can’t possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented”.
After the usual preliminaries, the lady’s lawyer addressed the court as follows:
“Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.”
The defendant’s lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defense was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion:
“Your honor,” he said, “My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore ask that judgment not be granted.”
The young lady’s lawyer answered:
“Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted.”
In the Judge’s decision, he provided for two options: (a) Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff; or (b) have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages.”
The defendant wrote out a check immediately.
*Emailed to me by Atty. Frank Chavez on 03 July 2013
A new lawyer had just been hired as a Junior Associate in a big firm. He was assigned to handle the trial of a certain murder case, where his firm represented the alleged murderer. The young lawyer, wanting desperately to have his client acquitted, spent hours in the office, researching for a good defense. He filed numerous pleadings and appeared in numerous court hearings to defend his client. After the long trial was over, the judge issued a verdict. The young lawyer’s client was acquitted. Elated and overwhelmed with joy, he texted he immediately texted his Senior Partner:
“Sir, justice prevailed.”
The Senior Partner replied:
“OMG!!! APPEAL IMMEDIATELY!!!”
Abugado: Ikaw ba ang pumatay sa biktima?
Testigo: (Hindi sumagot)
Huwes: Bakit ayaw mong sumagot?
Testigo: Judge, akala ko ba hearing ito? Bakit may speaking?
*Courtesy of Atty. Melanie Soriano
The Joke’s on You
Today, you find these lawyer jokes funny. Try telling them directly at a lawyer. When you get sued for libel or oral defamation, you will ire a lawyer to defend you. That will be the time you will realize that the joke is on you.
Cover photo taken by Atty. Don Carlo Ybanez at Penthouse Photography Studio, 1156 NYS Building,, Don Chino Roces Ave. (formerly Pasong Tamo), Makati, Metro Manila.
Models: Atty. Neil Jerome Jerome “Xenon” Rapatan and Sandra Rapatan